With all that is going on in my world, from socially to academically, there is just not enough time to solve the problems I face, without first quitting my habitual nature with marijuana. Everyday, I've become accustomed to smoking numerous blunts throughout the day to put off the thought of real world problems. I constantly alter my mind in hopes of expunging the problem at hand, but obviously the weed doesn't suffice.
Quite honestly, I need a change of environment. I need different influences in my life. I need more positive influences that will keep me in check and motivate me to be successful, because as of now, between my typical, lethargic behavior and the amount of mind-altering substances within reach, I've become a zombie, constantly eking my way through life.
Hopefully I get accepted to one of the numerous schools I've applied to for this Fall Semester and I can start seeing legitimate change, real soon.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Soul Searching
When I look into my phone book, I see no one that I can depend on. This poses a problem because while I have my family and closest friends stored in my phone, I don't know if any of them can show legitimate concern for me. My parents are almost socially disengaged altogether, (due to internal, deep-seated issues), my brother is inconsistent and shows signs of utter insensitivity, and my friends are not mature enough to take on my problems, even if it means to just listen.
I, the master of delivering low-blows, have been verbally abusing people for years, but even I know when enough is enough. I usually stay parallel to a line that I rarely cross, with exceptions for people who push me into a corner and leave me no choice. However, my family does this very often to me, at times where it's inappropriate and simply uncalled for.
I've tried to not fight aggression with more aggression, but it's like walking uphill with one leg -- it's just not going to happen. Maybe one day I'll be able to resort to taking a breather and walking away from confrontation, but for now, exploding into a fit of rage is the only thing that seems to keep me from teetering into an even less emotionally unstable state. Oh well.
I, the master of delivering low-blows, have been verbally abusing people for years, but even I know when enough is enough. I usually stay parallel to a line that I rarely cross, with exceptions for people who push me into a corner and leave me no choice. However, my family does this very often to me, at times where it's inappropriate and simply uncalled for.
I've tried to not fight aggression with more aggression, but it's like walking uphill with one leg -- it's just not going to happen. Maybe one day I'll be able to resort to taking a breather and walking away from confrontation, but for now, exploding into a fit of rage is the only thing that seems to keep me from teetering into an even less emotionally unstable state. Oh well.
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